The Big Day

So today is the big day...the day I finally and officially decide where I am going to graduate school.  After getting an email from UMass Amherst telling me I've be rejected, that left me with four choices.  Two of which were already out of the running.  University of Pittsburgh was my safety school...and they weren't funding me.  Brandies isn't going to either, and I would only be in the MA program.  Neither of those options were worth the money.  That leaves me with KU and SUNY Albany.  I had a wonderful time visiting KU, but the program itself wasn't the best fit.  Lets just be honest, SUNY Albany is the best option.  I will be funded $15,500 a year, I can get a MA in Women's Studies at the same time, and there are professors that my research interest fit with so much better.  For weeks now I knew I was going to go to SUNY Albany...so what is holding me back?  I think it isn't that I have doubts about Albany, it is that I have doubts about the future. I'm one of the lucky ones, got into graduate school with funding, I have a future...but I am not ready for the future.  I am not ready to make such a huge decision. As much as I want to get out of EC, I feel uneasy about it. What I hate the most about feeling this way is that I want to talk about it and make it go away...but I don't know how.  I can't put into words the things that are going through my head, cause they are wordless thoughts, they are feelings.  I know I am not the only one going through this, the excitement of moving on...having your own place, having a cat; combined with the fear of the unknown.  I know I posted this song yesterday as part of my Qualm playlist, but this newly discovered song came at just the right time and I think it describes the situation perfectly. Over thinking about the situation isn't going to do anything.  There is no wrong choice, life is going happen, no matter what choices I make.  The best thing to do is just live.

On a side note, I have my self-defense final in an hour and I am really scared. Probably more scared and nervous about this than the whole graduate school thing...