Men I Would Like to Have Children With, But I Can't:Abe Lincoln

So I'm starting a new feature on my blog... Men I Would Like to Have Children with, But I Can't. If you have any suggestions be sure to let me know.
The first man on my list, is Abe Lincoln.

If you don't know who this man is and you are an American citizen, then you fail at life. If you are from another country, I will give you some key facts...

His full name was Abraham Lincoln and he was born February 12, 1908. He was the 16th president of the United States and the president during the Civil War, which he won. His life was ended prematurely when he was assassinated April 15, 1865. He is one of the most celebrated presidents and is featured on the penny.

Old Abe Lincoln-The Instruments Band

I am going to mention why I can't have his children first, cause it is so much shorter...he is dead.

Why I want to have children with this man:

1.His beard. I am a huge beard fan, beards are probably what keep me heterosexual. While I will admit, kissing men with beards doesn't always feel so hot, they are hot to look at. President Lincoln's is one of his trademarks and one of the reasons I want to have his children. I would not worry about being attracted to him, which makes making children more fun. More importantly, if we had children together I wouldn't have to worry about our sons having an inability to grow glorious facial hair. There is power in the beard.

More reasons after the jump...

2. Abe Lincoln and Bill Nye the Science Guy's resemblance. Pictures speak louder than words and there is no doubt that they could be brothers...OR THE SAME PERSON. There are many reasons why this is a positive reason to have kids with Lincoln. You could pass your kid off as being a long lost child of Bill Nye or you could inspire your child to do science based on the resemblance. More importantly, Bill Nye could be Abe Lincoln, which would mean if you had children with either of them they would have super human powers. I want children with super human powers. The fact that they look so much alike make each of them so much cooler and more worthy of me having children with them. 

3. Lincoln is on the penny. Whenever the children ask who their father is, I can just give them a penny. Even better every gift can just be a penny. It will save a lot of money. The tooth fairy will leave a penny because what is a better gift than your father? My children would have a lot of bragging rights if their father was on money, especially the penny because there are so many of them. Who hasn't found a penny on the ground? Also the saying "see a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck", obviously that means Abe Lincoln is good luck.

4. I've heard Lincoln invented cocaine. This is just a rumor, but if it is true, that is a lot of inheritance money for my kids. No worries about paying for college.

5. Lincoln currently has no living heirs. Only one of his four sons survived to the age of 20. Of that son, the last living heir died in the 1980s. If I had kids with Lincoln they wouldn't have to worry about half-siblings or any of that stuff. All the fame and inheritance from being the descendent of Lincoln would be theirs. If our country was a monarchy starting with Lincoln, my children would be the ones in power.

6. Abe Lincoln had psychic abilities. Many believe he foresaw his own death. He had dreams about dying right before it happened. The week before he had a dream where he heard someone crying in the White House, inside the coffin was himself. Sometimes he would see a double reflection of himself in the mirror and one would be blurry, he believed that meant he wouldn't survive his second term as president.I would like my children to have psychic abilities. Everyone knows how awesome psychic Pokemon are, imagine how awesome psychic people would be.

7. He was also a vampire hunter. Not only is this an internet rumor, but there is a book to prove it. Everyone knows everything in books is 100% true. I want children with a vampire hunter so they can learn the trade and keep the world safe...

8. Abe Lincoln's clone in Clone High is really awesome. If Lincoln's clone is really awesome, then he would have really awesome kids. Just like books, television is 100% reality so that means whatever I saw on the show is real.

9. Lincoln has so many things named after him. Cars, buildings, resturants, universities, the state capital of Nebraska. If my children took their father's last name then all of those things would be named after them too. Which would be awesome for them.

10. This final image speaks for itself.