Thought Question Tuesday

Play with fire, wet the bed.

Pygmy Goats

Today is the first of a new feature, Cute Animal Monday. Today features the always adorable pygmy goat...

from cuteoverload.com

continue on for more

Don't Wish Away Your Days

I've decided that every Monday I am going to pick a quote to either inspire the week or reflect upon last week or just because it is awesome...

I picked this quote because Thanksgiving break is next week. The week before a vacation is usually one people like to wish away, but it shouldn't be. You only have so many days to live, why not enjoy them all?

Now one of my favorite songs...

I Don't Wanna Wait-Rosi Golan

Greetings from Tumblr

Sundays are going to be the day I take the best stuff I've posted on my Tumblr and feature it here...

Since the Tumblr has only been alive for a few days, there isn't much to pick from, but there are still some awesome things.

Matt Bors

Matt Bors is my favorite at making awesome webcomics. I've been actually paying some attention to the media lately so his latest comic I find really awesome...

Check him out, he is always awesome

http://mattbors.com/

Qualms Update Schedule

This is my update schedule that I am going to try super hard to keep up with...

The New Girl

So I am not a big TV watcher, the fact that I don't have cable proves this point, but I have found a love for Hulu in the past few weeks and a love for a television show....The New Girl. 

I was already a fan of Zooey Deschanel's music, her voice is AMAZING and her songs are adorable, so enjoying her television show is no surprise. The character Jess reminds me of myself, we are both odd and quirky girls. People love shows they can relate to, so it makes total sense that I would enjoy the show. One of the main draws to the show is the character Nick.

I find his character to be so dreamy. He is cute and just has this undeniable "wanna curl up and cuddly with him"ness. Plan on seeing more of him in the future. *swoon*

Some New

So I went to an amazing talk tonight, which I plan on devoting a whole post to, but it inspired me to think more about social media. I've also been thinking about moving to Tumblr. So I created a Tumblr, http://qualmish.tumblr.com/ and also a Twitter. Depending on how it goes this blog might move to Tumblr or the Tumblr might just be my link and picture dump. If that is the case I plan on having a best of post once a week on to here. We will see what happens, but it should be awesome.

Thought Question Thursday

I kind of feel like I am cheating picking this question because honestly, I do not feel like an adult. I should feel like one by now. I live alone, pay all my own bills, drink adult beverages. I think part of it is because I am still in school, and I honestly don't do a lot of work for my stipend, and the work I do doesn't feel like adult work. I don't feel like I have a real job. I don't feel like an adult

When You Grow Up-Priscilla Ahn

Sleepy Weekend

I'm on of those lucky individuals who has a three day weekend every week, you would think that would lead to getting a lot done. It doesn't. This weekend like most others was spent doing one of my favorite activities sleeping. With my boyfriend working 3rd shift and me sleeping better with cuddles, on the weekends I try to stay up late so I can spend the day sleeping with him. So a lot of time is spent sleeping, 11-12 hours a day. Of course that leaves other time. This weekend it was spent looking at cute animal pictures and playing The Sims Medieval...which is a time sucking game. Once I start looking at cute animals any productivity is lost, I just spend my time squealing. So I decided to share....

More cute animal pictures, thanks to Cute Overload, and The Mummers mashup of Sleepyhead by Passion Pit after the jump.

Thought Question Thursday

This is tough...I would say a tie between eating some beef jerky and cuddling with Steve.

So Much Proctoring

I had to proctor TWO exams today...which was horrible. Proctoring is this horrible thing they make 1-3 year sociology graduate students do for large lecture classes. Our job is to watch for cheaters during tests, and it sucks. The reason it was so bad today was because the first exam I had to proctor for was at 10am, which is three hours earlier than I normally have to be on campus. I am not a morning person and having to get up early to watch people fill out a bubble sheet is not a good time. Oddly, proctoring is one of the times I feel like an actual graduate student, that and when I have to grade hideous papers. So far most of my graduate school experience has felt a lot like undergrad. Sit in classes, write papers, spend hours playing flash games while trying to motivate myself to get my work done. I don't know why I expected graduate school to feel so different, but I did. Maybe it will come when if my TA duties pick up and I become more involved in the department, or maybe once I am working on my dissertation and teaching intro sociology classes? Maybe I am just in denial, just like how I deny that I am an adult, despite the fact that I am living on my own, supporting myself. Who knows...

Today

I got dragged out in the woods today by my boyfriend and his friend to go play with guns. I did not engage in the gun play, I just played in the woods. I don't want to say I had a good time, cause it was kind of boring, I guess I had a neutral time. I did take some pictures of the nature and an awesome creation I made out of shotgun shells.

Thought Question Tuesday

People really fascinate me, which is why I study sociology. I think it is so interesting how much culture shapes people and how people become manipulated to the point that they act in ways that harm their own interests. The things that people believe. It is amazing. 

My October

So as I was working on my New Boyfriend playlist, I really wanted to make a playlist about how I was feeling and the songs that have been stuck in my head during October, so I did that. I started it before I finished the last playlist, which is why it is done so quickly. There are quite a few depressing songs in the playlist, even though I am not depressed. They just felt right. I am still going through a figuring out who I am process. The transition from being a college student living in the dorms to a graduate student living on my own has been interesting. These songs might seem like a hodgepodge, but I think that is because that is what I am right now.



Playlist if you

Brotips

I just discovered Brotips today. At first I thought it was one of those anti-women kind of sites, but there are actually some really good ones...

New Boyfriend

So I have a new boyfriend, it has been a month or so, so I think that still means new. I figured a new boyfriend is the perfect time to make a playlist so I did, and it has been 90% done for a couple weeks now. I want to blame the fact that I am a busy graduate student as to why I haven't been posting, but I goof off a lot. For example one night I watched the whole third season of Arrested Development.
Anyway, I already posted a picture of Steve on my blog so I can skip that, and we don't have any cute couple pictures so I will be skipping that as well. So I guess I will go right to the playlist

Thought Question Thursday

As a graduate student I am allowed to focus all my energy in academics. Even though I am going to school, it isn't the same as undergraduate. I am not going to school to get a job, even though I will come out as a professional in the end. The job I am preparing for is one where I will do research and teach, which is a continuation of what I am doing now. I think modern America cares so little for intelligence and learning for the sake of it. Being an intellectual, or a scholar means so little. The fact that I am getting to not only continue my education, but I am getting a stipend to live on is wonderful. Even though I am a slacker, I love what I study. I really appreciate that I get to do something I love.

Qualm to Come

So I know I keep making post about stuff I am working on without any real substance, but I am a busy graduate student what can you expect...anyway I am working on a playlist about Steve and I wanna make sure it is wonderful before I publish it. Now I have to get back to grading HORRIBLE papers, but I will leave you with this....

Poker Face (Lady GaGa cover)-Ben's Brother

Thought Question Tuesday

I think the better question would be how are you the same.  I see myself as a totally different person from when I was in high school, to be totally honest, I don't really remember what I was like in high school. So the answer, which yes I am taking the easy way out, is everything.

Thought Question Thursday

Cuddles

The Brave Little Toaster

I'm working on a post about The Brave Little Toaster, and how it is such an awesome movie and how people who haven't seen it are lame. If you have any ideas about what should be included, like fun facts, be sure to let me know.

Thought Question Tuesday

Grow

Where I am Now

Playlist after the jump...

Thought Question Thursday

Down in the Valley-The Head and the Heart

What is this...a blog post!?!

So lack of updates in over a month....
I do have a good excuse, my internet is horribly slow at home and having to wait ten minutes for the page to load kind of kills any inspiration I have to post, but I am going to try to do better. I will be in Maine for another month or so and then moving to my new apartment, which I almost put my address up, but decided that might not be the thing to put on a blog, so I will just say my new apartment: Apartment 209. Until then, I am going to try harder to update regularly, I cannot promise daily, but we will see how it goes.
For the summer I plan on continuing my Thought Questions, maybe not every Tuesday and Thursday, but more often. There will be no music or playlists...which is a fail of a music blog...but I do not have the bandwidth to upload music. I have been reading a lot, thanks to an account with Paperbackswap.com and I do plan on doing some book reviews to make up for the lack of music, not that it is the same at all.
In the fall I will continue my Thought Questions and should be back to making playlists. I will hopefully become apart of my new school's radio station, which does online streaming, if I have the time for that. The book reviews may stay, but will surely be less often, unless I do reviews of my books for class. I do not have the time for pleasure reading like I do now.
That is the outlook of the blog, but no promises. :)

Thought Question Tuesday

Love

Happiness

Health

Money

Fame

Sorry for the lack of life on my blog... I am not lacking in life. I've been busy with packing, graduation and avoiding thinking while in Ithaca, other than thinking about yummy food. There will be updates soon. Hopefully a new playlist by Monday when I am flying back to Maine. Once I am in Maine, due to limited internet, there will be few playlist updates, but lots of text. :)

Get Out of this Place While we Still Have Time

I graduate from college on Sunday. Two more nights at a place I have spent the past four years. So many mixed feelings. I really can't put into words how I am feeling right now. I'm at a point where I am going to miss what I've had here...but I am so thankful it is almost over. There are so many people I can't wait to escape from, and while I will miss the awesome ones, they are not really gone. I can still call and email and write and all of those things. This week has put me in a Jimmy Eat World mood, which I am going to share with you...

Work-Jimmy Eat World

And the acoustic version

Thought Question Thursday

Sorry this is late. I've had a very busy day, enjoying the last time I have with my EC friends... :(

Capitalism

Good Day

Today was a wonderful day, I actually managed to forget that in a few days I am leaving all kinds of wonderful people. Part of the night was a party at my favorite professors house. Here are two photos that were given to another professor by a friend and I.

Good Day-Jukebox the Ghost 

Thought Question Tuesday

Get settled into my new life. By that I mean, make new friends and connections. Feel at home in a new city. Feel comfortable in the department and as a graduate student. I want as smooth as a transition to my new life as possible.

Hot Farmers

Tonight I discovered some photographs of old men who were farmers who were naked, doing farm chores. I sent these pictures to select people and it was funny. To make up for it I am now going to post some hot farmers on my blog, by some, I mean one. I could only find one picture of a hot farmer in the ten minutes I looked. I must say that all farmers are hot, even if they do not look that way in pictures. I am very much into a man that gets dirty and works to produce the food I eat. Plus I would like to live on a farm and having a relationship with a farmer would be a great way to do that.

Men I Would Like to Have Children With, But I Can't:Abe Lincoln

So I'm starting a new feature on my blog... Men I Would Like to Have Children with, But I Can't. If you have any suggestions be sure to let me know.
The first man on my list, is Abe Lincoln.

If you don't know who this man is and you are an American citizen, then you fail at life. If you are from another country, I will give you some key facts...

His full name was Abraham Lincoln and he was born February 12, 1908. He was the 16th president of the United States and the president during the Civil War, which he won. His life was ended prematurely when he was assassinated April 15, 1865. He is one of the most celebrated presidents and is featured on the penny.

Old Abe Lincoln-The Instruments Band

I am going to mention why I can't have his children first, cause it is so much shorter...he is dead.

Why I want to have children with this man:

1.His beard. I am a huge beard fan, beards are probably what keep me heterosexual. While I will admit, kissing men with beards doesn't always feel so hot, they are hot to look at. President Lincoln's is one of his trademarks and one of the reasons I want to have his children. I would not worry about being attracted to him, which makes making children more fun. More importantly, if we had children together I wouldn't have to worry about our sons having an inability to grow glorious facial hair. There is power in the beard.

More reasons after the jump...

Better Life?

I'm not a fan of living in the United States. I disagree with many of the cultural values. Where in the world could I go where I would have fewer qualms with the culture? Well I discovered, with the help of an article from fastcompany.com... this article, a really awesome tool for comparing other countries.
http://www.oecdbetterlifeindex.org/

So let me describe it. This is the OECD Better Life Index. The OECD is the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development and is a group of 34 countries. The index covers 11 categories that are used to measure quality of life. Each country is ranked in each category, then you get to rank how important each category is to you. When you are done you get a visual of what country, based on these categories, would you be most happy living in. The website does a better job explaining it.
The most interesting thing is how they are using the users rankings. By seeing how you rank the categories, the OECD Better Life Initiative will be able to better understand what matters to people. So if most people rank income high and education low, for example, that means to make citizens happy more effort should be put into raising the income.
I really love this index. I love how fun it is for me as a user to see what countries can better provide what I look for, but even more for how it is working as a research tool. While you can only go so far to categorize happiness, I think this tool is useful to learn what really matters to citizens. What does make our life better.
For me Canada, Sweden, Australia, New Zealand, Norway and Denmark all ranked high, with Turkey failing.

Empty

I know I said I would try to do a cheerful playlist, but not happening. We had a memorial today for Dr. Michael J. Kiskis and it made me reflect on my whole life. Not only was it about the loss of an amazing man for me, but how in a week I am losing so much of what I hold dear. My life is changing and I have so many mixed feelings about it. I am going to let the playlist speak for itself, but expect more reflections soon...

Playlist if you continue

SO COOL!!!

http://qualmish.blogspot.com/view/mosaic

Check out the other views too.

Betrayal

I had an experience today that showed me how petty people can be. How important it is to surround yourself with the right people. Even if they seem harmless now, they might not always be. I never thought I would have to deal with something so stupid as an almost college graduate...but I did. Here is a playlist about it. Sorry it is so depressing...I am going to try to do something cheerful next week, but no promises I'll probably be stressed to the point of near explosion...

Song list if you continue on

I have a new joke blog with a friend. I would recommend checking it out. It is all about how we are better than our rival.
theepicyarn.blogspot.com
Also enjoy this really cute picture

Also a new playlist is coming soon....once I come up with a theme and stuff.

Thought Question Thursday

I want to be done with Elmira College, done with this summer and moved into my apartment in Albany in the fall and all ready to get going for graduate school. I am done with this stress and everything.

Thought Question Tuesday

Cuddle

I love to feel my body against someone else, all warm and snuggly. It makes me feel safe, protected, against danger. 

Sleep

I am a huge fan of sleeping. I love feeling all warm in bed. I get to drift away into another world with no stress or danger.

Frolic out in the woods

I love the smell. I love the bright and vibrant colors. I love feeling alone, but not lonely.

"Every man is born an original, but sadly, most men die copies"-Abraham Lincoln

I love this quote. I would love to talk about what Lincoln probably meant, but I'm not going to write now. I am going to write about me. I'm not 'normal'...at least that is what people tell me. I do things differently and am often criticized for it. We work so hard as a society to make everyone the same. There are only so many molds you are allowed to fit into. I find it frustrating. I don't like to be told what to do. 

What I find most frustrating/interesting is what happens to the people that judge me. For example, I get judge for my laziness. I put off my projects for the last minute, I get them done, but not always the best grade I could get. I've gotten a lot of shit for that from friends. I then look at what I am doing with my life. I got into a good graduate program with full funding. Not all of them can say the same thing. Not that graduate school is the only goal, but some people are totally lost. 

I've gotten a lot of shit for how I handle my relationships with men. I am not looking for a serious relationship and I am not going to lie about that. I am happy with what I have and I see others trying to follow the "right" pattern and they are unhappy. People who are boyfriend and girlfriend, because that is what you are suppose to do to have sexual relations with someone. Even though they are not really happy in that situation. People who judge you for being sexual and then will do the same when the chance arises. 

This might be a conspiracy theory, but I think the way we are told to live isn't about creating happiness or success. It is about keeping the common people in place. Why wouldn't the elites want the mass of citizens to be clones? Taught to not think for themselves to fall into line. The path of success that we promote in the US isn't what makes people happy, and it isn't what works. It takes stepping off the path to be happy. Be an original.

Another Post About Love

I have so much on my mind right now, much of it I want to share on here. I'm going to start with ideas of love...

So in my life right now, I'm pretty attached to a guy, who I write about quite a bit. I love him. Now the thing with love is like any emotion there is a scale. Where I am with him on the love scale is past friend, but nowhere near spouse. It can be easy to confuse love and lust, which I have an example of later. I've been in love before, I know what it feels like for me. I've had lustful feelings as well. My loving feelings I have no are not like ones I've had in the past, but I've learned that you can't compare any kind of relationship, each one is different. I'm at a point where I don't just wanna jump him, it isn't all about the sex and the kissing. I will admit, I don't think my relationship is totally healthy. Part of the reason I feel so strong is because of wanting the emotional support I get from it. I mean it in the I'm with you cause I don't wanna be alone sort of way. With that being said, I believe it is only a mild form of that. I know that I can get that kind of attention from other sources and I don't need to stay with him to get it. To summarize I have a romantic love intimacy and passion with no commitment. 

Weekend in Ithaca

I'm sorry the blog has been dead all weekend. I was off in Ithaca frolicking with my love. We went for a hike and got to play in the river. Went to the farmers market and got some yummy food. Napped. I beat him at magic. Lots of fun stuff. I thought about a lot of things to, I have been really stressed out about the future and I thought about what I really want in life. I'll probably share those thoughts later today. For now I am getting ready for lunch and wishing I was still in bed in Ithaca.

Character

I spent most of the day...Friday...reading The Unbearable Lightness of Being. I wish I had read the novel much slower, but I had a lot of free time and it was what I had with me to busy myself with. The novel gave me a lot to think about, but one section stood out in particular:

characters are not born like people, of women; they are born of a situation, a sentence, a metaphor containing in a nutshell a basic human possibility that the author thinks no one else has discovered or said something essential about

I feel like this idea is true not only in fiction, but in our own lives, from both the perspective of the individual and from the outsiders perception. While our bodies are born from our mothers, I do not believe that our personalities are, which is what truly makes us human. We create our own character. We create who we think we are, and how we think others see us. We also create a character for those around us. I do not think there is universal truth, in this case, I do not think there is one way to define someone. Even though we have this creation of who we are, you are probably the only person who sees yourself that way. So does that make it the true way? Or is it what the majority sees you as? 

Birthday

A friend of mine, a friend I look up to, was born 23 years ago today. I think we have a weird relationships with birthdays...we say happy birthday and we want to party and celebrate, which is wonderful. I realized today that I rarely think about why we do that. Today I did. Some people make a real positive impact in your life. This friend has made me think, and not always intentionally. She has done things I wish she hadn't, but in the end, it doesn't matter. Today I realized how lucky I am to have so many wonderful people in my life. I think it is especially relevant with the recent loss of a professor. You never know what a birthday will be someone's last. This friend has taught me to take every moment and enjoy it. She has a very carefree attitude that I admire and such a positive outlook on life, even when things are looking grim. I'm very thankful to know her and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

You Were Born-Cloud Cult

An XKCD comic after the jump...we're both fans.

Lives

Here is a song I wish I included in my last playlist...

Lives by Modest Mouse

This is one of my favorite Modest Mouse songs...which says a lot cause I love Modest Mouse. I find this song kind of hopeful. For me it says we're all in the same boat, "everyone's afraid of their own life". We're all struggling with ideas of death and making sure we make the most out of the short life that we have. At the same time what the hell do we want out of life. I don't know that, I'm still figuring it out and I am sure no matter what I think is the right and perfect option, I will later find flaws in it. I really think the song speaks for itself, the lyrics are after the jump, enjoy.

Eye Color and Alcohol

So I just read a cool study on alcohol consumption and addiction and eye color.
Here is the link http://www.unt.edu/rss/class/mike/5700/eyecoloralcohol.pdf
What they did was look at light and dark eyed people and compared how much alcohol they drank. They had a sample of male prisoners and a sample of women. They found that people with lighter color eyes, drank more alcohol.
So cool!!!
The researchers had to guess as to why...
1. Past research has shown dark eyed people are more sensitive to drugs in hospitals...so they are probably more sensitive to alcohol as well....so they drink less.
2. Something about behavior and how blue eyed people tend to be more inhibited by new situations so they might drink to feel comfortable.
Either way, I think this is really cool...normally I am all about socializing and that biology doesn't determine much, but this is actually a really cool study and it shows how much our DNA is connected, and this is probably more about how hundreds of years ago that cultures with lighter colored eyes had more alcohol and while genes get mixed up, it is only so much. But I don't really study this stuff...I study society. It is still really really cool. Especially since I have blue eyes...not the more likely to abuse alcohol part, but the need more to get drunk part.

When Life Seems Overwhelming, Keep Calm and Carry On

I got an email a few days ago about registering for my graduate classes...
My life is changing faster than I would like, as excited as I am for the fall, it is pretty scary. This playlist is me working through some of those feelings. I tried my best to keep out the sad feelings of having to lose my lover, and focused more on feeling scared and unsure and looking for hope, ending with more hopeful tracks...

Working on a new playlist it should be up tomorrow or the next. Till then enjoy the thought question...

Playlist Artwork

If you have any suggestions for a playlist theme or song to include be sure to let me know either with a comment or message or whatnot :)

Thought Question Thursday

More: Motivation...and more Ben

Less:Selfishness from everyone

What do you think?

I was stumbling like I love to do, and I came across this image. While it doesn't apply to my life right now, it is something important to remember. For me, it is not that I force myself into someone's life...in most cases...but that I question if they really want me a part of theirs. I question if I am really wanted. It is a horrible feeling, but the thing is, if someone doesn't want to be with me, why would they waste their time with me? I am really lucky right now, I have an amazing guy in my life, who obviously wants me in his. HUG


Found here www.searchquotes.com/viewimage/Quote_On_Neglect/84/

Thought Question Tuesday

Nothing like I would have imagined it to be, it has been life changing.

I didn't see myself being single and without my ex...let alone dating lots of men, sleeping with many of them. Sexually I have become much more active and curious and willing.
I didn't see myself drinking...not that I am a drunk now, but I do drink and sometimes I do drink too much.
I work at Wal-Mart...not all the time, but I didn't see that becoming my first serious job.
My friend group completely and totally changed in the past year, I think for the better.
I thought I was prepared for the graduate school application process, but I wasn't at all...and now I am on my way to SUNY Albany next year, I hadn't even considered that school a year ago.
So much about my life has changed, I've grown a lot this past year and to be honest, while I am going to face a major change from undergrad to graduate school...from living in a dorm to living on my own. I do not see next year as much of a changing experience...

Love is Rarely Packaged the Way You Expect it to Be

I'm in love with a boy...a boy I shouldn't be in love with. When we first started hanging out, I knew pretty early on that he wasn't the kind of guy I imagined myself being with, yet that does not seem to matter. I would say that it is just lust, we are very sexually compatible, but I don't think it is just lust. He isn't very responsible with his money...he shouts at cars when we walk down the street...he does more drugs than I am comfortable with...his room is usually a mess...he is a ridiculous human being. Yet, I keep going back to visit him. Not because I can't get anyone else...cause I can, I could get someone that fits my imagined perfect man mold much better. I don't want to find someone else...You never know who you'll fall in love with, what they will look like, their age, maybe even their gender. You never know when you are going to fall in love, it could be at the worst time, a month before college graduation, or at the best time. Love just happens and instead of questioning, just take it for what it is. Embrace it. Don't think just be...
Fraser-Love Song

Sunrise at the North Pole

This picture invokes a lot of feelings for me. For me it represents the fact that no matter how far apart, or how different two things might appear to be...they are never really that far. That one is not always the biggest and most powerful. Both ying and yang must come together...

Life and Death

So last night I created a new playlist and I was so excited to share it...and blogger was done :( Then I had some emotional issues I really wanted to share...blogger was still down...the emotional issues are mostly gone...so I'll focus on the playlist. With the death of a professor I've been thinking a lot about life and what it means to me.  If it was last night I'm sure I would have a massive post about his playlist...but I forgot all that so here is the music...



Playlist after the jump

Thought Question Thursday

I had to pick this question because it has a giraffe in the picture...which also happens to be my favorite animal, so honestly it was the perfect question for me. I love giraffes. They are an awesome color and their horns are like alien antennas recieving messages from outer-space...which is really awesome. 

Thought Question Tuesday

The Prime of Miss. Jean Brodie I read it for my tutorial reading class.  I was really excited to discuss the book with the professor, but Sunday night we learned he had died earlier that day. The book is about a group of girls and their teacher/mentor. The girls get special treatment from her, even after they are no longer her students. The story is very complex and interestingly written. I really enjoyed it... I copied my paper from class below if anyone is interested in reading it, I know it isn't that great, but whatever...

Animals with Stuffed Animals

I've obviously been really down lately, but I was cheered up by a new for me cute animal site. Animals with Stuffed Animals. Cute animals are something that always cheer me up, yet make me a little sad that I can cuddle them. Here are some of my favorites...

Crying

I cried a lot last night, I don't have time to elaborate much cause I have to get ready for class, but one of the reason I cried was because I realized that someone I thought I was friends with, didn't see me that way. Now that he has a girlfriend, he has treats me much differently.  Not just because he doesn't flirt, it is more than that.  It hurts cause I am realizing I was just a girl to sleep with for him, even though he was much more than that to me. I'm really tired of feeling empty and it is something that I've been feeling often...

...

While writing my last blog post, I received an email and found out that a well loved professor has passed away. I had heard earlier today that he had a heart attack, but that he was moved out of intensive care today...
The email came as a shock. While this is not a professor that I am really close to, I've had classes with him and really enjoyed him as a professor and a person.  One of my classes this term was a class with him. I was in total disbelief and am still having trouble grasping this. He was a wonderful man. You could tell he genuinely cared about his students and was so knowledgeable. I'm expected to go to class tomorrow, knowing that he is absent and will be forever. I am not sure I can handle that. What kind of institution expects students to do that? I still can't believe it.
Death is something that makes me sick to think about and am sure that will always be the case. I have so many thoughts and feelings I want to share, but I am still processing them.  EC will not be the same without him...

Love and Lust

So I've slept with a few guys, and I've grown emotionally attached to some of them. With that, I've learned how to tell pretty quickly if a guy is someone I would like to sleep with. A friend of mine, who is less experienced, had a pretty embarrassing night last night. She slept with a friend who came up to visit her and it did not go well at all. Despite his age, he didn't seem to know he needed a larger size condom and this morning she got Plan B and is now paranoid she will be pregnant. For me I can't imagine being in that situation, even though in the past I have. Love and lust are both learning experiences. I've had to learn what kinds of guys I don't want to be with, and what questions to ask. I don't sleep with someone before asking questions about their sex lives and sexuality. I didn't always do that, it is something I've learned and something I wouldn't do if I hadn't had bad/awkward experiences in the past.
The same thing happens with love. I know this from experience and I am sure others will agree, you really don't know what you want until you've been with someone. That is how you figure out what you like, and don't like. Even though I knew me and my ex were not going to be together forever, and I saw all the problems in the relationship, it was something I didn't want to end, cause it hurts to not be with someone you love, even if it isn't the best thing for you. It takes bad experiences to learn what you need and want from both sex and relationships.
Hello Saferide-The Quiz
At the same time, love and lust are hard to control...

Why I Did Not Get Laid Last Night

This is one of those cases where I know what I wanna say...but I am not sure where to start...
I'll start with the plot...last night was Senior Soiree, it is like my college's version of prom.  So there is a guy in my class, who I would like to have sex with. This is one of those events where it is easier to go home with someone. Everyone is friendlier, dancing, and the alcohol is free flowing. I did not get laid last night.
Why didn't I get laid last night? Maybe it is better to start with all the things in my favor...
He does not have a girlfriend, nor was he dancing with a specific girl all night, he moved around a lot, in fact there were times where he looked kind of lonely...one of those times he was standing not to far from me, and looked like he was checking me out...I then proceeded to look away and dance with someone else.
I love sex, huge fan of it. I am also a fan of sleeping with new people. I think it is fun to find out what someone is like in bed and getting to experience something new. I am in the mindset that sex is fun, so not knowing someone well isn't going to hold me back from sleeping with them.
I have a place to bring him back to, both of my roommates were gone. I was having friends over for a party after, but they would have understood if I was getting laid and wanted to be alone.
To be honest, the only thing that wasn't working in my favor was me...
Jukebox the Ghost-Hold It In

Tonight

A depressing playlist...sometimes I just feel really down, for a variety of reasons.  Tonight was one of those nights.



Song list after the jump...

Thought Question Thursday

Almost exactly a year ago, when my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. He was my best friend and it was like I had no one. I did not feel comfortable talking to any of my friends about it at the time. I had let him be my go to person and when that was gone I felt so alone. What made it worse was a few weeks later when I found out he started seeing someone right after he broke up with me, even though he said he was breaking up with me because he couldn't handle the long-distance relationship after graduation. I felt like the person I trusted more than anyone else was the person I could trust the least. I've never felt more alone and more confused than after that happened. A year later I am still crying thinking about how horrible it made me feel...and now I feel really immature and naive... :(

Ingrid Michaelson-The Chain

Responsible

My mom always told me I wasn't responsible, which I am starting to realize is kind of true.  I do not think I cannot handle responsibility at all, I think it is more that I don't have much motivation in life.  When there are tasks I care about I can be very responsible.  I forget how lazy I am and I get shit done. I think the problem comes from so few things in life truly matters...I often find myself thinking nothing matters...not in the life is pointless I wanna die sense, but in the life is going to happen so just let it happen sense.  This has given me a pretty stress free life, though it does come in bursts when I do decide to care. Sometimes I wish I was that responsible person, who had everything under control, instead of the person who just doesn't care.  Then I realize that being that person would give me a new set of problems and why change how I live if it has kept me alive for 22 years now. Even so, looking back on my college experience, I have become more responsible and I am sure living on my own next year will add to that. I'm not going to worry about it though, because life will happen either way...
Now a song from my favorite Cloud Cult album

Thought Question Tuesday

Misguided

Love Affair without a Love Song

So I already posted this mix...then some how deleted it.  I think it speaks for itself.  Right now I am feeling lots of things. Confusion, anxiety, restlessness over next year. Also, feelings of love and affection towards two different men, who I have very different relationships with.  Neither of these relationships can be what I really want them to be, for two very different reasons.  Many of these songs deal with those feelings.  Enjoy

Playlist and my favorite lyrics after the jump...

...ooops

So I let myself get behind on here...I blame finals week and break and all that jazz.  I have been working on a playlist...which should be up in the next couple days.  Otherwise I've been feeling so antsy.  I got an email about picking which faculty member I want to work with next year.  This got me all excited about graduate school again...and allowed me to get my cohort's email addresses...I then proceeded to stalk them...obviously.  I want to skip this summer and go right to graduate school. I really don't want another summer at being at home with my family...or working at Wal-Mart, but I can't afford not to.  I am BROKE right now and I need money for a deposit on an apartment.  I also need a new MacBook...this one is way too sad to last another year, I don't want to wait till it is fully dead before I get a new one.  I'm so nervous about next year, but even more excited. I wish I was there in my cheap apartment, with a cardboard box for a table. :)
A new playlist coming soon....

Thought Question Tuesday

Not wearing my glasses is what makes me feel truly naked and exposed.  I am very comfortable not wearing any clothing...I love it. Until my glasses are off I don't feel completely naked, I always wear them...expect for sleeping and in the shower of course.  So my glasses. :)

Fun, Fun, Fun

I am so excited about continuing the next part of my life. I feel like I've grown out of EC. I don't like being on campus most of the time...but today was one of those days that reminds me that I will miss somethings. My friends and I had an amazing time at the park today, climbing trains and playing with dead fish. I'll miss those things with these people.  Once again, who knows what the future will bring...

This song reminded me of today...Five Years Time by Noah and the Whale

Done

So I am officially going to SUNY Albany next year.  I told all my other offers no, and have officially accepted SUNY Albany's.  I actually don't feel any different than before I made the decision, it was just that middle part that was yucky...so I am glad I am done with that. Now it is time to just relax and go with life.  Take each day as it comes.

Here is a cover of Modest Mouse's Gravity Rides Everything done by Lenka. I really like this cover cause it gives the song a whole new meaning for me. Which I think is applicable to my life right now.

Thought Question Thursday

So this is the question I am answering for my Thought Question Thursday, but I really want to actually see what will fit in my backpack...and I don't really have time to do that, cause I should be writing a paper...so I will do it tomorrow or so, but I am thinking about it :)

The Big Day

So today is the big day...the day I finally and officially decide where I am going to graduate school.  After getting an email from UMass Amherst telling me I've be rejected, that left me with four choices.  Two of which were already out of the running.  University of Pittsburgh was my safety school...and they weren't funding me.  Brandies isn't going to either, and I would only be in the MA program.  Neither of those options were worth the money.  That leaves me with KU and SUNY Albany.  I had a wonderful time visiting KU, but the program itself wasn't the best fit.  Lets just be honest, SUNY Albany is the best option.  I will be funded $15,500 a year, I can get a MA in Women's Studies at the same time, and there are professors that my research interest fit with so much better.  For weeks now I knew I was going to go to SUNY Albany...so what is holding me back?  I think it isn't that I have doubts about Albany, it is that I have doubts about the future. I'm one of the lucky ones, got into graduate school with funding, I have a future...but I am not ready for the future.  I am not ready to make such a huge decision. As much as I want to get out of EC, I feel uneasy about it. What I hate the most about feeling this way is that I want to talk about it and make it go away...but I don't know how.  I can't put into words the things that are going through my head, cause they are wordless thoughts, they are feelings.  I know I am not the only one going through this, the excitement of moving on...having your own place, having a cat; combined with the fear of the unknown.  I know I posted this song yesterday as part of my Qualm playlist, but this newly discovered song came at just the right time and I think it describes the situation perfectly. Over thinking about the situation isn't going to do anything.  There is no wrong choice, life is going happen, no matter what choices I make.  The best thing to do is just live.

On a side note, I have my self-defense final in an hour and I am really scared. Probably more scared and nervous about this than the whole graduate school thing...

First and Last Qualm

So this is really odd because my first playlist for my blog could be my last playlist for WECW. I haven't decided if I want to do a show term 3 or not. I'm at a point where I'm avoiding any possible obligations.  Even if I do a show, term 3 radio shows are not quite the same in my opinion. It feels really weird to think about not being a DJ anymore. It has been a major part of my life for the past four years and all of the sudden it will be gone. Which is really sad to think about. My radio show has allowed me to have my own space to express myself, through both music and words. Music is insanely powerful and getting to take the songs that mean so much to me and sharing them has meant so much to me. I can't really describe it. Stepping away from WECW is just part of leaving EC, and currently the only part I can even imagine. Being a senior is super weird. So this will not be my last playlist, I will always be putting songs together to make a statement...but it kind of feels like the last time.




The Playlist after the jump

Thought Question Tuesday

So this is my first Thought Question Tuesday

To be honest a kiss on the nose would give me a huge smile. I've been very cuddly and affectionate lately. It sucks not having someone to regularly share hugs and kisses with.  I'm at a point in my life where there is so much pressure on career and my future that when I take time for love and affection, friendship, I feel like I am wasting time...which is a horrible feeling. It is a really stressful time as well, and human touch is one of the best stress relievers I have found. So I would love a kiss.

Welcome

So there were two inspirations for this blog, the first being my radio show on WECW 107.7FM called Qualm. Being a senior my time as a DJ is coming to an end, and I can't imagine what it will be like to not make a weekly playlist...so I still will. I will upload my playlists onto 8tracks.com and then post the link here and talk about it. Until the end of the year I will post the playlist the day that I do my radio show. After that I will pick a wonderful day of the week :)

The other inspiration is the website thoughtquestions.com. Which is a site full of thought provoking questions. I wanted a place to answer some of these questions as a way to better understand myself and what I want from life. I will do...as of now...Thought Question Tuesdays and Thursdays.

In between those two things I am sure I will write about issues and such I see going on, or whatever inspires me.  The purpose of the blog is for me to explore myself, and you are free to join. :)